Listening—is it a lost art? Or is it just something we do without even thinking about it? English philosopher and literary critic G.K. Chesterton settled that question when he succinctly stated: “There’s a lot of difference between listening and hearing.”

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Okay, so what is the difference? Listening is apparently more difficult than it sounds (no pun intended). Emily Post, perhaps the most famous curator of manners and upright behavior, recognized the importance of listening in interpersonal relations when she observed, “Ideal conversation must be an exchange of thought, and not, as many of those who worry most about their shortcomings believe, an eloquent exhibition of wit or oratory.”

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Bernard Baruch, an American statesman and confidant to three United States presidents (Woodrow Wilson, Harry S Truman, and Franklin D. Roosevelt), further elevated the art of listening when he said: “Most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking.” Calvin Coolidge agreed, asserting, “It takes a great man to be a good listener.” (We can assume he meant a great “person.”)

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Samuel Clemens (aka Mark Twain), famously quipped, “If God intended us to talk more than listen, he would have given us two mouths and one ear.” Clemens may have been cribbing from the Cyprian founder of Stoicism when he said that, however. Zeno was quoted by Diogenes as saying the same thing centuries earlier: “We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say.” (It’s okay, Mr. Clemens—Steven Covey copied you both when he wrote the same idea into his influential self-help manual, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.)

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The late Larry King, CNN’s former superstar talk show host, may have been taking cues from Clemens, Covey, and Zeno. King, whose job consisted largely of listening, said, “I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.” 

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To this, we can add that listeners are not only important to society but also highly appreciated, according to mystery writer Agatha Christie, who wrote, “An appreciative listener is always stimulating.”

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Whether lost art or not, listening is definitely something that takes practice and purpose. For some reason, our impulse to speak up is stronger than the one that encourages us to simply listen. And so it seems that listening is certainly not something that happens whether we think about it or not—it’s something that only happens if we do think about it. And even then, to be effective, we must listen in a disciplined way. 

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So, we should listen more than we speak, good listening takes great effort, and good listeners are greatly appreciated. How do we be good listeners?

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Ernest Hemingway gave this advice: “When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” The late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg said, “I’m a very strong believer in listening and learning from others.”

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How can we get better at listening? Betsy Sanders, the former high-power CEO of retailing giant Nordstrom, has some simple instructions: “To learn through listening, practice it naively and actively. Naively means that you listen openly, ready to learn something, as opposed to listening defensively, ready to rebut. Listening actively means you acknowledge what you heard and act accordingly.”

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Roy T. Bennett, the author of the super-positive book, The Light in the Heart, delves even deeper into the topic of listening. First, he said, there are at least two kinds of listening: “The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.” 

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This may be a new concept to some of us, but one really can listen to another person with no intention of answering, replying, or even responding sympathetically. This is one of the main ingredients of showing empathy. 

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From these quotes we’ve learned that it is best to:

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Listen more than you speak. (Zeno of Citium)

Listen appreciatively. (Agatha Christie)

Listen to learn. (Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Larry King)

Listen completely. (Ernest Hemingway)

Listen naively and actively. (Betsy Sanders)

Listen with curiosity and empathy. (Roy T. Bennett)

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We’ll end with this quote from Bennett: “Sometimes all a person wants is an empathetic ear; all he or she needs is to talk it out. Just offering a listening ear and an understanding heart for his or her suffering can be a big comfort.”

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